I’ve made a terrible mistake.

But, I hope to recover victoriously. 

I know what everyone’s thinking.  First, yes I have lost weight, thanks for noticing!  And, I realize my url is just about the worst ever.  At least that’s what you’re thinking, which is a horrible exaggeration.  mysphinctersonfire.blogspot.com would be the worst url ever. 

Anyways, I have officially moved my blog over to http://itsheidisblog.blogspot.com/.

Check it out, follow me, subscribe to me, and hug me.  I could use a hug. 

Fire Pants

Being a successful liar is extremely important. 

Tips on Lying

·         Create lie before hand

·         Keep it short and sweet

·         Change the subject

·         Don’t repeat yourself

·         If you smile and they ask why, say you’re were thinking of a funny thing your fish did that morning.

·         If you’re caught, don’t apologize, shrug your shoulders and continue the conversation

·         DON’T DO ALL THE TALKING.  Listen, probe the person to continue talking, continue to listen

·         Try to keep the lying to a minimum, only do it when you really need to. 

 UPDATE:  If the lie you are trying to pass off as truth is exceptionally large, it helps if you start believing that is the truth as well.  You have to believe your own lie.  (This will also help protect against guilt)

Wednesday

Oh no!  Where's BB?

How's everyone celebrating the immaculate conception?  I'm going to dress Harry up as Mary and pretend he's suddenly pregnant by placing a ball underneath his onesie.  Then I'm going to ridicule him for being an unwed mother and not paying his taxes. 

Lightly Salted

It’s a good thing if people think you really would strip in a warehouse for charity because that means they think you have sexy bod and a big heart.  

Wood Baby

Chain Mail

If you don't subscribe to my blog you will have bad luck for 8 days.

CHAINMAIL

Oily Fish

Last night was Jon the fiancé’s Cartoonist Conspiracy night, Harry the baby was with his Grandma, so Heidi of course was at the bar.  The sushi bar that is.  Hamachi nigiri is the closest to eating a slice of butter I can get while staying health conscious.  I love oily fish.  The sushi man said, I’ll get you another oily fish, and then he took off his pants.  Not really!  He’d be fired and he wouldn’t want to risk his job because he’s worked there for seven years and says he “rests his hat” there.  This is the level of intimacy I achieve with those around me when I go anywhere alone. 

A Friend of Jon's at Cartoonist Conspiracy

Speaking of intimacy, there were two young women sitting next to me and I could not help but eavesdrop because it’s basically my favorite activity.  I’m listening, drinking my sake, drawing a picture of a person with a cluster headache*.  Then they bring up getting nails done and I decide this is the perfect time to intrude on their chat.  A pleasant intrusion, I’m sure they would refer to me as. 

We get to talking, I ask one if she did end up cheating on Marcus (again, I’m an excellent eavesdropper) and she adamantly replied that she never did because he’s a beautiful person.  After asking these two strangers a few more very intimate questions we get to talking about me writing.  They ask what I’ve been writing about, I pretend to be talking to the sushi chef.  Unfortunately he was looking away, so they kept at me.  Finally I had to show them, and this is where I think I began to lose them.  The last sentence I had scratched said, “Dolphin Slasher Film.”

Seeing the frightened looks on their faces, I try to  do the whole “my uncle’s gay!” thing saying just that afternoon I had instructed any followers of my blog to not kill any puppies. 

Women I now know intimately:  Oh yeah, like at the humane society.

Me(an intimate friend of those women):  No like kill-kill.

WINKI:  Oh, like Michael Vick.

M(IFW):  No!  I mean he was making money off those fights.  I mean like, taking a puppy and stabbing it. 

While I said that last part I mimed taking a puppy and stabbing it. 

Then I wrote them a note letting them know we were friends now and sushi ended.

*A person with a cluster headache is smiling on one side of there face (always stay positive, glass half full) and the other side has liquid oozing out of everywhere.  If you’ve ever had a cluster headache, you’ll agree that’s exactly what happens.  

Hey, here's a link!  This song, more than any other, makes me miss JonnyCakes.

http://www.myspace.com/video/vid/7773870

Cute Guy

Cute Guy by Jon Reiss

Heidi:  Look at my new artwork.

Boss:  Who’s that?

Heidi:  It’s Guy.

Boss:  Cute Guy?

Heidi:  Cute Guy. 

Good News, Bad News

When everything’s going right, you’re probably going to assume you’re about to die.  Or maybe your husband is going to die.  Or your baby will take a joy ride in your car with your cats and won’t be able to operate a manual very easily (short legs/arms) and they’ll total it and your cats will need their paws amputated. 

This is because if everything is going so well something must be about to go wrong. 

Well, guess what.  Something is in the process of going terribly wrong, the horrible - all humans will die - kind of wrong. 

For my fellow followers of Science Daily News (www.sciencedaily.com), this blog will come as no surprise to you.  In fact, you probably already wrote this blog and now you’re in the process of sending me the paw of a dead puppy because you think  I’m plagiarizing you.  I’m going to start off by saying, easy now – this is nothing to kill a puppy over.. and now I’m going to go back to why we should all fear for our lives.

Thin Air: Oxygen Atmosphere Found on Saturn's Moon Rhea

Saturn: The Planet

 

ScienceDaily (Nov. 30, 2010) — NASA's Cassini spacecraft has detected a very tenuous atmosphere known as an exosphere, infused with oxygen and carbon dioxide around Saturn's icy moon Rhea. This is the first time a spacecraft has directly captured molecules of an oxygen atmosphere -- albeit a very thin one -- at a world other than Earth.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101128222041.htm

This can only mean that (A) Aliens exist, (B) Those aliens need less oxygen than us, (C) They can survive in lower temperatures than us, and (D) They are stronger and probably faster and maybe even prettier than us.  What do A, B, C and D mean?  We are boners.  Goners, I meant we are goners.  But Boner and Goner are just one letter apart, slip of the index finger, I swear. 

Saturn: The Car

  

Hold on though, don’t look so down!  There is an upside.  Your husband may not die in his sleep tonight!  So, you can quite holding onto the front of his shirt while looking at him fearfully, saying, ‘Please, please don’t die, I need you!’ before you go to bed each night. 

And you can probably quit taping your infants to their cribs and cats to the couches because babies would never steal a manual car, it’s almost impossible to light a cigarette, or blunt (depends on the baby) while shifting gears.

A Drawing of Stretcher Lock-Ass

Ended up being a drawing of a Stretcher Lock-Assembly.  Sorry guys, I was disappointed too.